You know you're either pregnant or just need to lay off the donuts if...

1. Your stomach sits on your thighs when you're seated...
2. You can use your belly as a table for any, all, but definitely not limited to the following: remote control, drink, food, arm rest, catch all for spills, etc, etc...
3. You can no longer see "yourself" when you look down...
4. Your boobs, belly and thighs have almost become one piece...
5. People stare, then ask in horror, "when are you due!?" You say, "six weeks". They say, "OH MY GOSH, it looks like that baby is going to fall out!"... (yes, a guy really said this to me, then his girlfriend slapped him. No lie.)
Note: there will be an alternate ending if you aren't pregnant...
6. Your belly button is now an "outtie" and not an "innie"...
7. You've developed strange red marks (in places I'd rather not say, but they aren't on your belly) and you ask you husband "what the heck is this!!?" and he says, "I think those are stretch marks"...
Note: not everyone is "fat" that has stretch marks!!! They are a doozie and can strike anyone at anytime.
8. Your back constantly aches b/c of the excess 30+ pounds you've managed to pack on in a matter of about 8 months...
9. You know you're fat or pregnant and you don't care b/c you are STILL going to Value Size it at McDonald's dammit! Heck yes!
10. You've sectioned off your closet of things that you can wear b/c you've gone there too many times and tried on too many things that didn't work, so it was easier to just put the things that do work in their own section...
11. You may or may not begin to waddle...
12. You cannot sleep on your stomach!!!!!!!
13. You can't hop up off the floor like you used to, you have to roll to one side, get your knees and legs under you, grab onto something stable, and pull yourself up off the floor...
14. Your belly hangs out from the bottom of your husbands size LARGE shirt...
15. You see pictures (or a reflection) of yourself and still cannot believe how strange your body now looks...
Note: this can happen to anyone, whether you are not even pregnant or fat.
16. You weigh almost as much as your husband (or at least it seems like it)...
Note: Some husbands are tiny, so this isn't accurate for all cases.
17. You sit on the couch and eat a pint of Blue Bell Moo-llinium Crunch ice cream in a matter of minutes and don't even think twice about it- actually you laugh when you are finished...
18. You get up from a table and realize how close everyone's chairs are... you try to "suck in" to pass by so your belly doesn't hit the guy in the back of the head, yet that doesn't seem to work...
19. You drop something on the floor while sitting in a chair and you have to physically get out of the chair, squat down (holding onto something stable) then pick it up- all b/c your stomach is too big to bend at the waist...



I could go on and on... Hopefully I didn't offend anyone, I've just barfed 2 times today and I am almost 35 weeks pregnant, so I need a little humor in my day. If anyone would like to pay me to do a public service announcement of how "morning sickness" never ends and there is NO cure to it, let me know... I'm your girl.